It is now official. I had my first round of chemo on March 8, 2010 and after a crazy last 5 days I'm officially done with cancer treatments as of noon July 16th, 2012. We have made the decision to stop treatments and start Hospice. We don't know exactly what things will look like going forward, but I'll keep you posted as that becomes more clear.
To understand what is going on a little, let me give you a bit of a run down of the last week or so...Last Tuesday I was still walking the dog a couple miles with hiking poles and a slow pace, by Friday I was getting really weak in the legs, Saturday I fell down three times (left leg just giving out) and decided I needed a walker, Monday morning I can't really move either leg and the walker is pretty useless to me. After talking with my oncologist it seems clear the chemo isn't working (simple test - are you better or worse than when you started chemo? I am most definitely worse). Even though the chemo is pretty easily tolerated it just doesn't make much sense to continue to put something toxic in me if it isn't doing its job. I wish I had more options, but there isn't any other treatment that will help me. I've had all the radiation that I can have. I can try some other chemo, but the doctors concur that it wouldn't change my prognosis significantly.
This was not an easy decision at all. There were (and still are) lots of tears flowing around here. I'm still feeling good other than the whole not being able to walk. The cancer is just progressing so fast. Everyday I'm worse than the last and then when I compare where I was when I started chemo vs. where I am now it seems very clear the chemo is not getting ahead of the cancer. It is now time to forget about fighting cancer and focus on me being comfortable and happy.
We are really drained and trying hard to process something that no one should have to process.
Here's my rant for today. I'm working at moving from angry to peaceful, but I'm not there yet. I'll work on a list of loves for next post (there is still a lot of that around, just hard to find it today).
FUCK THIS CANCER
FUCK BRCA2+ MUTATIONS
FUCK THE BLOOD BRAIN BARRIER
FUCK CHEMOS THAT DON'T WORK
FUCK KNOWING HOW YOU'RE GOING TO DIE
FUCK DYING BEFORE YOUR TIME
FUCK NOT BEING ABLE TO GROW OLD WITH THE LOVE OF MY LIFE
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Love and hugs from CT. Robyn
ReplyDeleteLife is incredibly unfair; I join you in your rant. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!..............!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteYou are too nice and awesome of a person for this to happen to. I have no words other than I am sending you my love and thoughts....
ReplyDeleteGive yourself and Keith several big bear hug from us. We love so much! It is hard not to be angry. Follow your Doc's advice and do what makes you happy!
ReplyDeleteChamberlain Carrs
My prayers go out to you and Keith and your whole family. God is an Awesome God. We don't understand His ways, but I KNOW he's walking with you and for you now. His healing is not always the healing we (or our loved ones) want. He can take your anger, your tears, your pain, and your weakness just give it ALL to Him. Cry out to him. He's your Heavenly Father and he'll love you through it all.
ReplyDeletePrayers to you, Keith, Meg and your Mom.
Kathleen Gioffe Starnes
I totally understand how you are feeling. I, too, had my first and last chemo on March 1. I wound up in the hospital on March 8 for 14 days because I couldn't tolerate the chemo. (Prior to this, I had never been sick a day in my life -- didn't even have a primary care doc) They sent me home on March 22 with Hospice and told me to enjoy my last 6 months. Fortunately, once I got out of the hospital, I am much stronger and improved. Hopefully you will feel better as well.
ReplyDeletemajor feelings of helplessness through the miles.
ReplyDeletewhat can we do for you two?????
love and tenderness.......dave,joy & family
Dearest, Eileen, I rage with you against this advancing cancer, the impotence of modern medicine to beat it (even though you have had the best), the unspeakable unfairness to you & Keith, and the sadness that we all feel at the thought of the loss of your physical presence. Rage and love are not inconsistent. The love you & Keith show each other have touched and inspired us. And yet, we're all so damn helpless. How can I help? Anything..All our love, Sheila & Larry
ReplyDeleteDear Eileen and Keith,
ReplyDeleteIt was wonderful to see you two. Thanks for your warmth, openness, and even good humor in these terribly sad days. Your smiles and the time you gave us to visit with you, I'll treasure always. Your ability to continue to logically figure the best way forward is truly amazing & inspiring. Hoping that you find the best nurse and support team ever and that you enjoy some comfortable and happy times now. All our love, Ellen, Robert and Meaghan
Meaghan and Sheila said it so well! There is a sadness, but may you find a peace and enjoy every day. I love you, there are so many connections you have made that changed paths of life and we are better for knowing and learning from you! Love and hugs always... Thanks Eileen!
ReplyDeleteDearest Eileen,
ReplyDeleteWords just fail, plain and simple. It is literally impossible to adequately convey the depth and breadth of our admiration and love for you, as well as the stratospheric-level of awe we have for you.
Your approach and all-around take on things for the past two-plus years bring new meaning to words like valiant, brave, honest, graceful, and humorous (of course!). Even in the past week, after you and Keith made the insidiously gut-wrenching decision to stop chemo, and sign up for Hospice services, you maintained your signature-level of groundedness and graciousness. You welcomed us in, chitchatted, and fed us! It was wonderful to spend time with you and Keith!!
But why should I expect anything less? Really. You always amazed. Whether we are talking about fashion or musical tastes, political sensibilities, or all-around priorities, you always stood out (in a good sort of way!)
While many teenaged girls in the mid-1980’s had a prime preoccupation of maneuvering and angling for their next Laura Ashley dress, and existed on a steady and limited musical diet of Bon Jovi, George Michael, and Huey Lewis and the News, you were much more sophisticated and open to alternatives.
A key fashion statement for you was sporting an “El Salvador is Another for Viet Nam” button. And in terms of musical sensibilities, I remember you searched out cassettes for old progressive classics such as Phil Ochs, the Guthries, and Tom Paxton. These cassettes were not always readily available, but being a resourceful person you found them!
The 1980’s were a conservative time, but despite the general climate you were eager to look into an exchange program that would allow you to have an adventure outside of US-suburbia.
And, you were generous with your resourcefulness. I have memories of you quietly and patiently figuring out a bum appliance or a shorted-out electric fence for your parents (or, as they were affectionately referred to as “the rents”) or for your grandmother.
Another specific example of your generosity of spirit was the fact that you religiously had lunch with your grandmother during college vacations. An upcoming visit rated in my conversations with mom, and then the report of your lunch figured prominently in subsequent conversations. Mom enjoyed hearing about what was hot among college kids, antics of weird or annoying profs, and just generally enjoyed your company.
I feel like I am at the end of an algebraic proof; I have successfully proved my opening: "Words (fucking) fail!!!!!!!!" The title of a Steve Martin book leaps to mind: Pure Drivel!
These are just bits and pieces, perhaps verging on a nail-on-chalkboard annoying level of simplicity and triteness. But despite being wide of the mark, they are very heartfelt!!! You rock, Eileen!!!!!!
OK, that’s it for now.
Boat loads of hugs and kisses!
Love,
Jane
I'm so sorry. I read this post through tears, as I'm sure many did. You're one of those people who makes the world a better place just by being in it. I learned so much from you during the few months we worked together--including how not to let grumpy people harsh my mellow. :) I'm not surprised you're handling this last chapter with your characteristic grace, but I am impressed! Much love, Laura
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